We Have Learnt Quite A Bit From This Blogger (Who Wishes To Stay Anonymous) In Regards To How Having A Stroke Can Effect Your Sex Life; This Is How He and His Wife Have Come To Grips With Life After He Had A Stroke
It’s been nearly four years since I suffered my life-changing stroke. When I recovered from the initial shock, stopped obsessing about how I had almost died and began to realise that from now on, life would be different – not worse, but different – my wife and I began to reassess our sexual relationship.
Regular penetrative sex with me on top was probably off the agenda. My legs didn’t have the stamina to thrust, I couldn’t maintain enough of an erection to make it worthwhile and the fact that I was worrying about not getting an erection made it even more difficult to get an erection. That was one way in which my brain was still working.
Yet we both wanted a good sex life, I could say that my interest in sex had actually increased considerably; so what were the alternatives?
Having and surviving a stroke changes your life in a million different ways. Not only will your physical abilities have changed radically, but the brain damage means your mental outlook will have changed in a similarly dramatic fashion. In my case, the stroke I suffered in 2013 left me prone to rage attacks over my situation, panic attacks and massive stress fatigue at times. But it also changed me sexually.
Prior to my stroke, my wife and I had enjoyed an active, healthy, if slightly vanilla sex life. For nearly 12 months afterwards, our sexual togetherness stopped completely, largely because my body was physically unable to move into positions which had previously been our staple. My legs were locked straight, my arms quickly grew tired – and yes, I struggled to maintain a serviceable erection, probably because I was under physical and mental stress.
It’s at this point that a lot of strokies find their relationships falling apart…
In my last blog, I talked about how my wife and I had begun to substitute regular oral sex for penetrative sex, once it became clear that my stroke had made the latter more difficult and less satisfying.
We also found another route to bedroom fun which we had never before considered – the world of sex toys. When I could produce a decent erection, buying a dildo or vibrator never entered our heads. After all, why would we need a plastic substitute for a penis when I could deliver the real thing in seconds?
But as my hard-ons became less reliable and less sustainable (and any man will tell you that there is nothing, well, deflating, than to lose an erection while you are inside your partner), we decided to see what was available to help us…
Last time in this blog, I talked about how my wife and I had started to use oral sex and sex toys as an alternative to penetrative sex.
This week, I’d like to look at how to deal with the changes in sex drive and sexual inclination which can follow a stroke. I have mentioned in previous posts how sex-drive can go up and down, or sexual interests can alter, because of the brain-changes caused by a stroke.
I am an ideal example of that. I’m heterosexual, I’ve been happily married for nearly 30 years, I don’t feel sexually attracted to men and I have no desire for that marriage to be threatened. But ever since my stroke (and yes, I can honestly say that it’s only been since my stroke), I’ve felt an urge to play with a penis…
I’ve talked previously in this blog about how many stroke-survivors are left with an attitude of wanting to ‘seize the day’ when it comes to sex.
Yes, there are many of us who find that our sex-drive has diminished or collapsed completely as a result of our brain damage. But there are also those (I don’t know how the figures break down; I really should find out) who have been left with a dramatically increased sex drive. People who were previously ‘vanilla’ when it came to sex suddenly find themselves wanting to try new and seemingly exotic things, just to find out if they like them. If they do, it’s a new experience they’ve enjoyed as part of the second chance they have had at life; if they don’t, at least they know they don’t like it and they won’t do it again.
I am firmly in the latter camp…
It’s well-known that having a stroke affects your libido. I’ve mentioned several times already in this blog how sex-drive can go dramatically up or down, depending on which area of the brain has been affected.
I’ve also admitted that mine has gone up drastically. This week, I was confronted with the consequences of that. Not only has my sex-drive increased, it’s also changed. Changed to the point where my biggest sexual fantasy involves taking part in homosexual oral sex.
Yes, sucking a penis and having my own cock sucked to orgasm by another man. For someone who has been resolutely heterosexual throughout his life (and loves heterosexual oral sex), this is quite a revelation.
But what to do about it?
On a post last week for my other blog, The Naked Strokie (thenakedstrokie.blogspot.co.uk, if you fancy a look), I mentioned how easy it is to find pornography on the internet these days.
I did so because I was surmising that the audience statistics for that naturist blog were being boosted by people randomly Googling ‘naked’ while searching for porn. I took the view that I didn’t really care how people found that blog, as long as they did.
So why doesn’t this blog have a more striking, keyword-friendly, title? I could have chosen ‘The Sexual Strokie’ or ‘The Sexy Strokie’. But I wanted this blog to appeal to stroke-survivors (and others, obviously) who see themselves as sensual, but for whom sex is a struggle.
I have great regard for people who are honest about their sexuality and their sexual preferences. My approach to sexuality has always been that as long as it involves consenting adults, I don’t really care what other people get up to. It may not be something that I want to try, but I completely understand that we are all wired differently, especially stroke survivors, so it’s not for me to impose my sexual preferences on you, or to express outrage at your sexual preferences.
Consequently, I am friends with plenty of lesbian and male gay couples and while I could never do male anal sex (I think…..), I am not going to think any less of you if that’s what floats your boat. I am very good friends with people who have been involved in swinging for many years; again, it’s not for me, but I’ll fiercely uphold your right to do it yourself.
Until recently, however…
One of the most common reasons for a married couple’s sex life to collapse is that ‘we just don’t have time.’
Particularly when bringing up children or trying to sustain two careers, couples often find that sex comes a distant third to those two. Having children in the house, even on the other side of a locked bedroom door, can kill libido while the stress of work often means one or both of you are too tired or stressed for sex.
My wife and I found this when we were both working. Get home at 6.30pm, cook and eat the evening meal, wash up, collapse in front of the TV, go to bed (facing away from each other), fall asleep, wake up at 6am, get up, work, repeat ad infinitum. It doesn’t take long for sex to become ‘one of those things we used to do years ago, before life got in the way.’
And then it becomes a case of ‘use it or lose it…
When I sit down once a fortnight to write this blog, I do so with the assumption that my readers have gone past the point of being satisfied with ‘ordinary’ penetrative sex.
That might be because the effects of a stroke have made penetrative sex difficult or impossible, or it may be because they are no longer satisfied with ‘just’ having penetrative sex. It may also be because they and their partner have ‘grown past’ penetrative sex and are looking for something more in their relationship. As someone pointed out to me this week, the ‘bouncing off the ceiling’ sex we enjoyed in our twenties is probably neither possible nor appropriate when we are in our 50s, whether we have had a stroke or not.
Too many of us, men in particular, wish we could go back to those days – the days when we could call up a nine-inch erection on demand, when we could cum four times a night, when we could change positions every half-hour and still have a screaming orgasm. But what happens when that’s not possible, due to age or illness?
It’s something of a truism to say that having a stroke changed my life in lots of ways. It ended my career much earlier than expected, it nearly killed me, it almost ended my marriage BUT…..It gave me a whole new circle of friends, a new reason to enjoy living, something to do with life and a willingness to try new things.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got’ is one of the great truisms of life. It’s supposed to be the definition of insanity. It’s one of the first things I learned about life post-stroke. I’d been given a second chance, so I needed to grab it by the balls, so to speak, making the most of every opportunity life gave me.
One of those opportunities was the chance to write this blog. Before my stroke, the idea of trying out new sexual ideas and going public (albeit anonymously) about them in a blog would have been one of the furthest things from my mind.
But it’s all part of the same mindset I have now. Life’s too short to have regrets.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had decided to discuss sexual fantasy, specifically my cock-sucking fantasy, with my wife.
I did so with some trepidation but I chose to do it because none of the alternatives (gay porn, prostitutes, going behind her back in some other way, living with my unfulfilled fantasy festering in my mind), were remotely attractive. As I said in my previous post, the result was a positive conversation which has, for the moment at least, enhanced our sex life in plenty of ways.
I never imagined my wife would be comfortable with me buying and using two dildos and those dildos becoming a part of our mutual sex play. I never imagined my wife being comfortable doing some of the things she did to me with those dildos last week.
But then, I hadn’t asked previously. I was having this discussion on Sunday with another sex-mad strokie. She commented that…
As I write, Britain is in the grip of that rare meteorological phenomenon, more than one day of warm sunshine. The temperature was in the high-70s yesterday and today and unless the forecasters have it spectacularly wrong, it will be tomorrow, as well.
In this country, that counts as an extended warm spell. And it’s undoubtedly true that in warmer weather, people’s thoughts turn to sex.
We tend to wear less clothes (or if you are naturists, like my wife and I, wear none at all) and however the more old-fashioned type of naturist wants to think of it, wearing less/no clothes does turn the mind to sex.
I began this blog primarily as somewhere to help stroke-survivors who still wanted a sex-life; those whose libido had gone up as a result of their stroke, but also those who didn’t want to let go of the sex-life they had previously enjoyed; those who didn’t want to let the words ‘stroke-survivor’ overwhelm their marriage or their relationship.
But I also did it for me and my wife; I was that survivor who didn’t want to let go. And over the last few months, writing this blog has helped us massively. It has introduced us to new ways of thinking, new ways of enjoying and appreciating our sexuality.
I think the most important thing it has done is…
As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by any manner of things over the past month, my wife and I were about to take our sexual exploration into a whole new sphere by attending the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar (www.brumbazaar.co.uk).
It had been recommended by a friend of ours and although we have never classed ourselves as being into any form of sexual fetish, she pointed out that we had said we were looking to explore a little more “and anyway, fetish is whatever you want it to be. It doesn’t have to be tying each other up, dungeons and leather and whips and all that. Fetish can be tickling each other’s genitals, Tantric sex, using dildos and vibrators all over each other, even having sex in the kitchen, rather than the bedroom, for a change!”
So, we girded our loins (as it were…) and decided we’d go. And once we had, there was never any thought of backing out…
Are you one of those people who has always felt that in order to look sexy or be desired, you had to have your hair properly done, be shaved in all the right places and (depending on gender….) have to be wearing the right amount of aftershave or have a full face of make-up on?
Well, thankfully, as someone who has been comfortable as a naturist for my whole life, the above doesn’t apply to me. But it does for too many people, especially young people. And I’m happy to say that a good friend of mine, Rebecca Lowrie of self-alchemy.com, addressed this in a recent social media post.
She said that she used to have that attitude. But after many years of learning to love and accept herself, she now…
A couple of months ago, I mentioned that Mrs SS and I were about to take our sexual exploration to a whole new level. We were going to attend the fetish market known as the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar (brumbazaar.co.uk).
We were going on the recommendation of a friend who has done a huge amount to help us expand our sexual horizons and when we did some research, we discovered that we knew at least three people who had previous experience of the event.
You can read about how we got on in our June visit in that previous post; I said there that we were hoping to go in August with two of our ‘experienced’ friends who could show us the ropes (as it were….).
Unfortunately, they couldn’t attend the BBB held last weekend (August 19) because of a diary clash, but we decided to go on our own and we are glad that we did. We felt much more comfortable this time and certainly weren’t fazed by…
I’ve started using a new toy this week. Well, it’s not actually a toy, more a device or a piece of equipment.
I’ve bought a penis pump. There you are, I’ve said it. I’ve accepted that my middle-aged, stroke-affected penis needs some help. And not just from Mrs SS (or, indeed, from me); this is a different kind of help. The idea is that having your penis in an artificially-created vacuum for an extended (sorry!) period of time will eventually help it become firmer and, yes, longer.
It’s not a quick process, obviously; I don’t expect that using the pump for 10-15 minutes a day or more will instantly restore the kind of raging erection I could summon up at will in my mid-20s. I’m not entirely sure I’d want it to do so, to be honest. Our sex life has changed since then, as documented in this blog. We do different things in different ways, discovering them has been exciting and interesting and anyway, I’m not sure my heart could cope with the kind of bouncing-off-the-ceiling sex which a raging erection on demand led to…